I have a brand new invention. My target audience is college students who are preparing for final exams. Picture this: lethargic young adults with dead-pan faces who are drifting towards the libraries and the nearby coffee shops. Their true desire? A perfect score. But how will they achieve such things? Studying is best conducted with coffee, but coffee shops close and cups run dry. The solution? The Caffeine IV.
This handy dandy contraption can be easily inserted in the hand or arm with minimal pain. It is also conveniently portable because it hangs on a rolling pole. This way, you can keep studying all night long, all week long even, without wasting your time waiting in the line at Starbucks. Plus, you don’t have to worry about caffeine withdrawals since the caffeine levels in your body will stay the same. Order yours today at 1-800-4-POINT-0 for the affordable price of $19.99.
So you don’t have the $19.99? Here’s an alternate solution. Throughout the semester, gather as many free cans of coffee that you can and store them in your refrigerator. When finals rolls around, you’ll have a stockpile of caffeine in a travel-friendly form.
That’s what I did. Except, I dipped into my stockpile over the semester, meaning that I only had one canned energy drink by the time this week of death came upon me. Thank goodness I have coffee grounds at home and Starbucks rewards points. Otherwise, I do not know how I would be awake and alert right now.
However, I must warn you that caffeine on its own is not enough. In order to preserve as much energy as possible, exercise is ill-advised. While I love to hit the gym and feel physically fit, now is not the time. Going to the gym during finals season risks exhaustion, which hence risks falling asleep at 2 a.m. while trying to go over readings. Basically, if you feel like you’re gaining hibernation weight despite the fact that summer heat is already in Texas (and the fact that humans don’t hibernate), you’re on the track to finals success.
Even though it may look like you’re in the middle of a college campus, do not be deceived. You are in the midst of an episode of Survivor. You are stuck in the middle of a jungle with dangers looming around every corner. You have to be prepared for anything, whether it is last minute assignments or back to back exams. One misstep and you might get yourself killed. This game is not for the weak of heart. You have to want it, need it, breathe it. You have to make sacrifices in order to win it all.
So on that morbid note, good luck to everyone going through finals! And if you are in dire need of a steady caffeine flow, you know how to contact my place of business (I’m referring to the cool fake phone number I mentioned at the beginning).